silence

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 01:42:59 GMT

i did absolutely nothing productive for weeks. but i'm looking forward to the weekend.

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 23:51:03 GMT

the weather turned real quick and now i have a cold from leaving my window open. the air is so hot and thick and i'm still wearing winter clothes, sniffling, and sweating while feeling cold.

this weekend i get the fun job of moving all this junk out of storage and trying to find a place for every single item in this house, garage, and possibly my car if i must. i can't believe how much money i used to buy crap for the place chandler and brent and i shared. then they rented out my room to one of their friends when i left for two weeks to take care of my mom when she got really sick. uh! i should have a yard sale, but it would break my heart to have obnoxious strangers haggle over my tea chest and demand it for a dollar or throw a fit if i don't give them something for $2.25 that i bought for $40 less than a year ago. oh no. i think i just crowd my closet with my junk for a while longer until i move out again.

i have two punch cards in my back pocket of my pants. i need to take them out before i throw them into the wash and come out with little white confetti all over my load of dark clothes. i'm going to forget. i'm tired and i have to work late tonight. i want to visit the ocean and sleep.

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 20:56:56 GMT

i'm sick. this terrible flu won't leave me. i twist and turn in bed and think about stupid things that leaves my heart heavy and sad. i don't know what went wrong with me and my relationships with people. maybe i'm just paranoid and thinking too much for my own good....K. we just don't talk anymore and i think about it more and more lately. the reason is not the real reason, & i think i'm going to write to him and try to work things out. even for a little bit. then there is this lovely miss. maybe we were trying too hard to connect in a place we can't. i just adore her and its ok if she doesn't feel the same. i want to know for sure where it stands because it drives me crazy, not knowing.

i finally opened my card from beautyinsex. i tore it opened and all the confetti glitter stuff exploded all over. it was great. steph's words always puts me in the best mood...well, i hope that everyone has a good christmas since i won't be updating until after. xxo

Thu, 04 Dec 2003 01:03:36 GMT

Holly and her sister, Linda, came over and I made my predictable vegetable soup. I put red onions that came out clear when it was time to eat. The blinds were closed and it felt like night with the darkness and the cold weather. My dog gave me this sad look because I was late for work and forgot to feed her. All the food and treats I tried to give her now won't work. She refuses to eat until its time for her meals, which is strange.

Linda made cordials that we all had despite....well, i just didn't feel like it. I'm addicted to that puke green naked juice drink. It shimmers when you reach the bottom of the glass. It reminds me of scales a mermaid from this one book I read when I was younger. Leave me a alone, nostalgia. I share love/hate relationships with too many things/people.

My hair is in this inbetween state. Ugly short hair growing out phase. It flips to one side so the left side (my left) gently cups my chin; a place where your hands should be. Maybe your hands should be on my lower back and maybe I should let you place them there.

Tue, 11 Nov 2003 00:02:14 GMT

grey november skies are nice. low hung wires make me nostalgic for something fierce i'm not quite sure of. clouds get so dark, it looks like its going to storm loud and hard. weather, please put a theatrical production for us. dwight gave me yesterday and we spent it, like a dime, together. dreary day made bright.

skittles

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 02:23:00 GMT

the sky cleared up this afternoon and it was just so strange to see blue and stretched-thin clouds again. ah, sky canvas. i cannot wait to lay on my daybed by the window and pretend to write lost words on you again with my pen. holly and i went to this small farmers market and bought 4 medium pumpkins, two mini ones, this green&red pepper plant, and a chunk of chocolate spontaneously. there were darling little hanging plants that i wanted to purchase for my porch, but holly pulled me away and i didn't place the pumpkin properly in the trunk so they rolled all around on the drive home.

my hair is finally long enough where i can twist it up & pin it, at the same time not look silly. i love wearing long coats and having my hair up. tonight is a special night. we haven't really talked for almost two weeks long now. i'm going to shower and put my hair up and making stupid faces in the mirror before. its an occasion.

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 21:48:51 GMT

I don't quite feel the same. I found a mix my ex made for me a couple years so I listened to it to see what was on it. 2000, all over again, which is strange since I don't usually recall memories based on the years, but on how old I was & the order I meet people. When I was five, ten, sixteen, twenty...Justin, Holly, Ann, James, Hayley, Chris, Laurie...don't think, just...breathe.

I like the school Jennifer attends because of all the trees with nice big leaves. Very crunchy when the Santa Ana winds come blowing by and they litter the entire church lawn and the sidewalks, get stuck in your windshield wipers and the bottom edges of your car windows when you park by the curb. It feels like a small part of fall in the non-distinguishable seasons of Southern California.

I met James at Knolwood's yesterday. He got a black eye, bruising up pretty badly. I didn't ask questions, but tried to think of funny things to say. I'm dumb. I'm not a kissy-ass person so I can't stand it when I'm put in situations where everyone acts really friendly, trying to convince people of something they're not. Lately, I feel like a runny painting. Dripping away, all smudged.

Tue, 07 Oct 2003 01:21:54 GMT

my contacts are trying to slip off my eyeballs, longing to be just concave pools: little tiny bowls you can dip your fingertip into.

"the little light fades the immense & diaphanous shadows, the air tastes good to my palate"

i miss some people very much. i wish my memory didn't work in reverse.

Wed, 17 Sep 2003 01:09:14 GMT

last night was great.
it felt like i was in a blurry picture of night lights. they become dancing wires, jittery and indefinite.

i bought laurie those long, slender flowers vases and steak knives for her new flat. i was looking and looking for blood-red flutes, the kind i bought holly for her birthday, but i couldn't find them. i don't even think she likes steak, but they are really nice knives.

Fri, 22 Aug 2003 04:03:29 GMT

its been a pretty bad week, but that's ok.

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 04:42:39 GMT

I drew this some time ago and I took a picture of it because my scanner is broken. Then I made it green. La la la.

Fri, 08 Aug 2003 06:49:04 GMT

jen.
070803.

Fri, 08 Aug 2003 06:45:56 GMT

its mother didn't come back this evening. we'll see tomorrow.

Fri, 08 Aug 2003 01:27:44 GMT

justin is unhappy and away so there's nothing i can really do about it. phone calls are not the same anymore, and i'm still trying to figure out everything beneath without panicking, losing touch of people i care about and that care about me (so i think).

this baby bird fell out of its nest two nights ago. it look like a cat tried to attack it, but i've taken it in and it sits in this nice newspaper-lined box. its button eyes are glassy and black. i'll load up some pictures next time or something. we're looking out for its mother.

Tue, 15 Jul 2003 15:40:03 GMT

jen.
13.07.03

Wed, 02 Jul 2003 18:36:41 GMT

I got this idea from loverain.

I don't know a lot of names of the people on my friend's list.
You could just post your first, last name is not necessary.

Hi, I'm Solona Brandilynn N.

Sun, 15 Jun 2003 03:03:58 GMT

scratches

Sat, 14 Jun 2003 06:52:34 GMT

My cousin is a bean pole.

I can't sleep and I can't stay awake. It's not normal to be sick 60% of the year when you don't have anything to be sick about. There's guiltiness for making you toss and turn for other reasons. I still draw snowmen 8's and slash my o's. I haven't forgotten about you coming down next month, possibly, maybe, not anymore because you couldn't find anyone to come with you? And this was going to be one of those things going around with numbers and people would have to guess which one was their's, but someone always gets left out.

And great people are leaving this lj place. I miss Noel the most.

Thu, 22 May 2003 03:03:15 GMT

summer-like days filled with work keeps me busy and unhappy.
i am his dulcinea.

Fri, 09 May 2003 06:17:34 GMT

lately, everything has been about working and spending all my money on dress pants (i keep snagging my good pants on everything) and on spinach & artichoke dip + chips. i miss jenna terribly lately. i want to punch my hand through a window or something to take my mind off all this stress, frustration, and misunderstanding. i'm reading "till we have faces", after finding it on one of our shelves downstairs in the living room. my left shoulder has been aching again after i slept on it wrong yesterday. i feel like i'm hanging off of a coat hanger, swaying every so often when the floor fan blows my way.

Sat, 12 Apr 2003 21:48:56 GMT

Thu, 10 Apr 2003 23:30:55 GMT

every two weeks on thursday nights my neighbor takes all the leftovers and comes over to take all the crap from our fridge to put all together in this huge pot.

he calls it cowboy stew.

Mon, 10 Mar 2003 06:01:31 GMT

I make lists all day long as my running veins down to fingertips, gripping tightly and pressing harder, making Solona braille you can read on the other side of the sheet.

Glass green is greener, lighter, and stronger than reed green and yellower and paler than sky green. Most of all it reminds me of leeks that my Nana used to make and how the curved wall following the staircase always looked so old in photographs we took during the holidays. Everyone standing shoulder to shoulder to back to front and I always thought group staircase pictures were so ugly.

Last thing I want to do this week: Drive from LA to 909 Riverside hell.

Sun, 16 Feb 2003 17:33:02 GMT

a tragic epiphany last night.

it's about time.

Tue, 28 Jan 2003 05:32:18 GMT

pale fire.

i remember when words would flow out so easily
and dance on the tip of my tongue. instead, tonight
we talked about children and names and pianos.
i don't miss those words anymore.

ps. i wrote peculiar emails to some of you.
don't be alarmed :)